Have you ever done that? Do you have a group of friends you are so close to that you feel stifled and need to just walk away? I have friends like that. Unfortunately, one of them I don't even think I can be friends with anymore, because it's simply become just too too much to deal with. It's sad but true. I wish I could elaborate more, but I don't even feel like journaling about it, which is REALLY sad. Usually, I just let it go on here and I just can't this time. Not today anyway. Maybe later.

Sometimes, whenever things happen, I feel like all hope is lost. That's when I sort of get angry with myself, because I'm a Christian and I should never feel completely hopeless. But there are just certain moments where I do.

Like with my family. For some inexplicable reason, I purposely planned a trip involving my family and shopping at an outlet mall. All of those cliches apply: I'm a glutton for punishment, have a death wish. And actually I invented my own phrase: self-saboteur. It's like I knew a whole bunch of mindless, irritating crap would happen and (Surprise!) it did.

What was I thinking? First of all, it stormed most of the afternoon, so any hope of seeing fireworks was lost...so I felt like all I did this weekend was blow my entire paycheck...which is what I pretty much did. It was like the saddest thing ever. I've been trying to save up bit by bit on ChaCha for a trip to Atlanta and I blew my entire paycheck on a top, a pair of shorts, two bras and a hotel room. (Plus some unwanted out-to-eat times with the fam. Oh, and a much needed mudslide for the stress.)

The only highlight was Wall-E and even that was slightly depressing, because it just reminded me that we totally aren't taking care of our planet at all, and that eventually we will end up being these fat pigs in space. LOL

Sometimes I really hate my family. I mean, seriously. I've had it. I'm so ready to bust out of here I'm ready to explode.

Because of my addiction to MySpace, I've been so far away from EJ!

Things could be better, but I know that I'm doing better in a lot of ways.

Shall update more later.

Why is it all of a sudden that the whimsy I had about dating and my life in general has suddenly deflated? Like, within seconds?

Maybe it's because it sounds like a potential date is actually one of those Nigerian scammers (or at least someone who lives in Nigeria, both circumstances of which are out of the question.)

Maybe because my "Valentine" this year is actually a friend of mine who refuses to enter into a long-term relationship because I won't sleep with him? I was literally about to go Valentine's Day shopping for him until I thought about this - I really though how selfish and superficial he is for letting his body dictate his relationships. Or really it's just selfish of me?

Maybe because I'm absolutely sick of this job, and I've only been here for nine months. I'm sick of working all together and only get sad when I realize that I have to do some form of work for the rest of my life, even if it is this new Initials Inc. opportunity.

Maybe because my family is always in the middle of some crisis but I can't yet move out until I get settled financially. Speaking of which, my credit report probably won't be in decent shape until sometime in 2009.

Maybe because my only two "prospects" are a guy who talks so much it literally burns me up and gets under my skin or the guy at work has no interest in me whatsoever, but I pine after him anyway?

Maybe because I'm just tired in general and still trying to catch up from a long weekend with the sales guys and with the guy that talks too dang much.

Maybe because it's the new year, but I've gotten very melancholy of late. Also because it's "that time," and I'm still single and lonely, that didn't help either. Since I've last written, I've had issues with five guys that I just couldn't go anywhere with. It's no wonder that three of them I met online somehow. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with this online dating thing. Obviously it's just not going to work for me. I mean I've met dozens of guys this way, and it's always ended up really crappy for me.

Then there's the guy at work. My timing was probably crappy because I asked him about a basketball game scheduled the day after New Year's. But I figured since I asked him several weeks ago that he would be able to fit it in. But it twas not to be. He turned me down, thus basically shutting out all of my options I've had so far. I've been turned down or rejected for various reasons lately....a couple because of the sex thing, one guy is apparently just too busy for me and I think the other two just weren't interested. Why do I always want what I can't have? It's not that hard to be single. Why do I make it out to be the end of the world?

I just came back from a nice, spontaneous trip to Charleston, spurred by the prospect of meeting one of these guys, and he ended up trying to set me up with his friends *during* the date. However, I couldn't just pack up and go to Charleston if I wasn't single and free. But even though I'm "free", I still feel bound by my singlehood. It's like this weight that's been placed on me that I can't get rid of.

I have so much to be thankful for - my friends, my family, my job and yet this one thing has caused me so much sadness and it doesn't make a lick of sense. Not one ounce.